


Lube

by Sophia_Bee



Series: The Old Guard: Does What it Says on the Tin [1]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Fluff, Lube, Multi, Orgy, Sex Cult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25596589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Bee/pseuds/Sophia_Bee
Summary: Nile is stuck with a bunch of weirdos.They make crazy bets when they’re bored and sometimes spend whole evenings waxing nostalgic about all the times they’ve killed each other. They have inside jokes that are so archaic they‘re impossible to understand yet will send them into fits of laughter at any given moment. But this? This is the most weirdo thing yet.
Series: The Old Guard: Does What it Says on the Tin [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867000
Comments: 26
Kudos: 267





	Lube

**Author's Note:**

> A one shot. More cute than dirty but still kind of dirty. Does what it says on the tin!

Nile is stuck with a bunch of weirdos. 

They make crazy bets when they’re bored and sometimes spend whole evenings waxing nostalgic about all the times they’ve killed each other. They have inside jokes that are so archaic they‘re impossible to understand yet will send them into fits of laughter at any given moment. But this? This is the most weirdo thing yet. 

“This? This is for… all of us?” 

Nile is staring at the item that Andy had plopped down in front of her just seconds ago, her brain trying to make sense of what’s going on. Andy looks up from unpacking the groceries, her eyes landing first on Nile then on the big bottle in front of her. 

“Yeah.” 

“ALL of us,” Nile repeats, emphasizing the ALL. 

“I bought it for all of us to use.” Across the room Nicky puts down the book he’s been absorbed in for the last hour. He glances at the bottle. 

“Oh, yes. My favorite brand.” 

“Works the best,” Andy says with a shrug. She puts a box of cereal into the cupboard before going to the fridge and grabbing a beer. Nile frowns. Maybe these eternals don’t know what it is. Maybe they think it’s something else and not….

“Oh good, more lube!” Nile turns at the sound of Joe’s voice. She feels a flush climb her cheeks. So they seem to know it’s lube. Andy just set down a giant bottle of LUBE in the middle of the kitchen...for ALL of them… and Nile has no idea what to do with this new development. 

Joe walks over and picks up the bottle then sets it down again. He turns towards Nile, waving it around a bit. “A good invention, no? Things were a bit hard before we had it, eh Nicolo?”

Nicky nods. Nile chokes. Joe looks at her. 

“You know about lube and how to use it, right? Didn’t they teach you about it in the military?”

Nile can’t take it any more. 

“What the ACTUAL fuck!” Nile spits out as stands up quickly sending her chair tipping backwards onto the floor. She glares at Andy who frowns in confusion. “Full disclosure, Andy. Full fucking disclosure. You said you were warriors, an army of five. You did NOT tell me I was joining a...a...AN IMMORTAL SEX CULT!”

Andy spits out her beer. Nicky lets out a loud laugh. Joe puts his hand on her arm and Nile jerks away. Three voices clamor all at once. 

“For the blood, Nile. It cleans up blood.” 

“For all of us. For dried blood. After we heal…”

“...OHHHHH, you thought...” 

Nile stares from Andy to Joe to Nicky, eyes wide. What the hell are they all talking about? Finally she speaks.

“LUBE CLEANS UP BLOOD?!?!?” 

Joe nods. “BUT, if you wanted to use it for other things….” 

“It’s not like it hasn’t happened before….” Andy chimes in.

“More than once,” Nicky smiles. “We might be old but our bodies are still….”

“...Horny,” Andy supplies. 

Joe walks over to the table and picks up the bottle then winks at Nile. “Just get Andy liquored up enough.”

Nile can’t take anymore. 

“OH MY GOD. Y’all are insane.” She puts up a hand, palm outward and starts waking backwards step by step, “Stop. Just stop.”

Nile turns and exits in a flurry of anger as three pairs of eyes follow her. She’s swearing under her breath as she escapes from the crazy immortal sex cult she somehow landed in the middle of. 

WEIRDOS! 

***

Andy laughs as she watches Nile stalk away. 

“Too much?” Joe asks. Nicky levels a glare his way. 

“You’re evil, Andromache.” 

Andy takes a swig of her beer and grins. “She’ll be back. We just offered her an immortal sex cult orgy. Who can say no to that?” Nicky snorts. Andy looks over at the lube on the table and shrugs. “It really IS the best way to clean up blood.”

fin

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, lube cleans up blood REALLY well. Please feel free to toss me a kudo or a comment. I don't bite and I offer practical tips.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Lube](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26918737) by [Shmaylor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shmaylor/pseuds/Shmaylor)




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